Sharing my writing online gave a freedom without guilt that was appealing. I also wanted to be kinder to the inbox of my friends who, God bless them, graciously accepted my numerous emails of poems and other "hot off the press" writitng sessions. I hope you are able to smile, maybe laugh out loud or nod in agreement. Whatever you do while reading these posts - I thank you sincerely for the time you spent.
Have you ever heard a voice inside your head that sounded like you but the words were even beyond your own level of maturity?
Have you ever had a feeling that wouldn’t go away until you did a deed bathed in an inexplicable peace?
Have you ever delighted in a word and was moved to tears by its revelation to you?
Have you ever just allowed yourself to be available for use by the creator of Heaven and Earth?
Have you ever just stopped for a moment and listened to the heart of the person next to you?
Have you ever…?
I could go on and on as my mind runs through varying scenarios I have experienced time and time again. Last night for example, I heard a friend who jokingly spoke of things happening to them. I “LOL” right back, but God allowed me to see the heart of the matter. I could have ignored Him, I could have reasoned it out and concluded several things – it’s late, I still have reading for school, it is way past bed-time, etc. But thank God I didn’t. The blessing was not just for my friend, but for me. He told me to bring food. Not in the worldly sense of course – but verse after verse we read through the bible…eating hungrily from its pages. Confession of sins – yes one to another; Hard to do but accomplished in humility and love. We Prayed. Who was it that coined the phrase Pray until something happens? Well, something did happen. A breakthrough was attained…God spoke, answers given, light dispelled darkness, directions were given, notes taken and doubt cancelled.
I suppose I wanted to tell you that obedience is better than sacrifice. You have been at a standstill and it is not because you are waiting on God. You have lost sight and fear has immobilized you. You have become distracted searching for answers to the wrong questions. You have been blinded by your own needs that the needs of others are muffled beneath your own cares and desires.
Today if you will hear his voice Harden not your heart as in the days of the rebellion. Today is your chance to make a difference, to avail yourself to the one who is able to make the moon reflect the sun. Today is your day to live a life that includes more than you.
Recently, I have been dealing with an issue of love. A close friend of mine hurt me greatly and I spent months watching the wound become swollen, with signs of infections. My heart that was already so fragile bled uncontrollably, even with the applied bandages I had administered. At first I thought I need to forgive...yeah that's it I thought. Brilliant!
While God dealt with the forgiveness and got everyone else to be in tune with that one message, still something was missing. I thought he was finished, lesson learnt moving on. Yet, with this one person there was something more. Others I forgave and to see them again, my heart flowed with joy to greet them. But there was still this bruise, this pain that would not be released. Instead, the festering continued and my wound sent sharp pain signals to my brain, which conjured up images of the person's destruction and imminent downfall. I still was not right.
God continued to work. Love him, he said. I do, I replied. Love him, he said. I don’t want to, I replied. Tell somebody, God is patient and merciful and ever so kind. I went to church; they read the scripture verse from 1 John4 19We love because he first loved us. 20If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
God told me send a gift to this person and I didn't want to. He told me to love and I didn’t want to. I listened to those who told me "Don’t do it!" I reasoned to myself, they are so right. Why would God ask me to do that, I am not the one at fault....I am blameless! Right? But you know God, He is not one to start something in us and then leave it unfinished. I said the other night, "God's not talking to me", in much the same way my 3y/o niece says it when she is leaving a message on the voice mail and no-one responds. Do you know what he said? "I am but you are not listening". Ladies, and gentlemen, this is not me trying to put my business out there for you to side or not side with me. This is me telling you that God requires of us to do the opposite of the world. We are called as followers, or desiring to be followers of Christ to a higher standard than the rest. We are called to love in and out of season, despite the actions of others. In Ephesians Paul said to be imitators of God. God gave us his son while we did not know him, or even wanted to know him, because of love. How much more so shall we love our brothers who we can see, as much as God loves us? In all this, God has shown me that my hands are even dirtier than the offender of my heart. I allowed anger to transcend into un-forgiveness and then transform into evil, which is sin, which can only end in death. Yet, I am shown mercy by a forgiving loving God. How then can I deny this brother the same covering of love from my umbrella?
Has this been easy? No. The hardest part however has been the self reflection. It was to see the accuser pointing his fingers towards me and saying rightfully, “look at what she has done and she calls herself a Christian”. It is the knowing that I was wrong, because I allowed myself to be caught up in the majority of voices that said "Crucify him" and so I did all over again.
But today, I choose to love. Today I choose to forgive. Today I choose to be an imitator of God. How about you?
Last night I stepped unto the scale and was mortified to see the numbers. Digital in its make, I could not even adjust it to make it read what I wanted to see. Yet I felt so light and unencumbered. I opened my journal and bible for the nights devotion and a thought struck me....I am loosing weight! It made so much sense to me I became instantly overjoyed.
It was not indeed the weight measured by pounds and ounces. No, this was not quantifiable and measurable by our human scales. Instead it was the weight of sin, of emotional baggage, of unfruitful relationships, of worries and cares, of distractions and confusing circumstances, of guilt and shame, of self imposed condemnation and isolation, of ungodly desires and actions, of unrighteous thoughts and conversations, of all things that kept me from running the race set before with endurance.
I was lighter than I have felt in a long time, and my vision now un obscured was able to focus on God - who gives me direction and absolute clarity.
I am loosing weight all thanks to the new diet and exercise regime I have been following for 2008. It is simple but requires great discipline - reading the bible, praying, spending time with God. Whew! That is quite a work out - but one guaranteed to help you to:
Hebrews 12:1-3 "...lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls."
I am not sure when I wrote this piece, i had not dated it. I found it on my computer today and I marvel at the contents. Here I write as Magdalena, so undeserving of grace, but needing it ever so much. I can tell you that this was me at one point in my life. For which of us have not sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But I am happy to report that I have been washed clean. God did not give me what I deserved, instead he gave me mercy before justice, a grace I have never known before. He certainly is able to do the same for you. Wont you trust him to make you whole?
Dear God,
It was not like the other times.From the moment he walked through the door, my teeth chattered together.My body began an unusual trembling, as such I have never seen before.I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to stop the movement with every strength I possessed.Yet, inside the trembling etched at my brain, making me more conscious of his nearness.
We sat for a while, as he drank the juice I offered.It’s sweetness swimming to the back of his throat, and I could hear the swallow of every sip.Maybe he was nervous too.He rose to leave, and I rose with him.I was still shaking and could hardly speak without the tremors echoing through my voice.I have seen him before, but there was never a possibility.This was on my own turf and yet I was not in control.
As usual he made some comment.I fell into the act.Leaning over to inhale his essence was the beginning of my end.I was so foolish.I should have known that this would not end as our tango had done before.He was determined to have me and I was too weak to resist.
We fell in step with each other; dancing the dance of the flesh.And as promised for the moment the pleasure was sweet.It seemed like heaven, but the illusion was fading too fast.
As we ended and lay spent; he was more tender than ever.His lips were trailing tiny kisses, all over my face.Kissing my hands and squeezing me in his embrace.In my mind I felt deluded – He really loves me.Yet the appearance of clothes brought to surface the reality.
I felt like a Harlot.I felt the weight of the shame. I felt the sting of death.I felt sorrowful and remorseful.These feelings drowned out the moments of passion.I was unable to pretend, as he stood clothed before me.
I opened my mouth to say something smart. Yet instead my heart screamed the essence of my feelings.I was mortified wanting to keep my thoughts private.Yet my lips could hardly contain, what my heart needed to say. He sat tossing my words through his mind, like salad in a bowl.I could feel his disappointment…another tango gone awry.He said he was sorry for all the things he did to me.I sat there trying to comfort him, pretending to be strong.
Yet when he held my hands and kissed them, pulling me into his embrace.My emotions once again surfaced…I was dying and so alone.
He told me a joke before he left, wanting to make right what was wrong.He asked if I was okay, so his conscience could be appeased.I was not trying to be the martyr, but there was nothing he could do for me.So I let him off easy and I told him I was okay.
I tried to cleanse myself, feeling dirty and miserable.I washed from my hair to my feet, but came out just the same.I tried to talk to God, but no words could come out. I was too ashamed to face him.
In the night I could not sleep.I tossed in the pre dawn hours.I was thinking of all my sins.I was thinking how dead I was.I felt how much I cheated myself, for something that ended before I was even aware.How alone I felt, when I should have been embracing the one that I loved.How hypocritical was my life compared to my words of promise and hope to others. Trust God, and live holy, yet look what I had done.
Where do I go from here?That is my question to myself.I am so desperate for an answer yet thinking I don’t deserve one. I feel so horrible, ashamed and dejected.Where did my strength go, when I needed to flee from this temptation?I feel like I am a lost cause. What is the purpose of being forgiven only to repeat the sin previously repented?
Do I even deserve it is my question?Has God really chosen me this foul Magdalena to be in His service? Oh the hurt he must have felt to see me in that dance of death.How the Demons must have rejoiced, knowing that I was closer to Hell than ever before.Oh God, I am so sorry.DO you see what I have done? I have ruined my testimony. I have sat among the swines.I have done what you told me not to; I have taken focus from your face.I have fallen from your grace.
God I don’t know how to recover, you said I would not be able to.I really feel like I am done…it’s over.I can’t seem to get it right. How is it that people walk all their lives with you and never do what I have done?God I honestly don’t know what to do.I honestly don’t know what to do.
It is not your battle to fight alone - rather it is God's to keep and preserve you.
Stand firm in the liberty where Christ has made u free and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.
There is selected for you and only you - a great man of God. His love you will recognize, for he loves you as Christ loves the church. Saturate yourself with the word of God. Be not conformed to the ways of this world. Stand and again I say Stand.
Know ye not that your body is the temple of God?
Your body holds Jesus' spirit.
Your body - inside of you there is power.
You are not alone, even as you sit alone.
For Lo I am with you always say God.
T he mandate of the Devil is to kill steal and destry. I declare today that he will not get you! You are a "son" of God; You are a joint heir with Christ. You are seated in heavenly places above those principalities that you are wrestling against!
My dear friend, be encouraged today. God knows the desires of your heart and he will grant them even as you delight yourself in him. Be of great courage and good cheer, your heavenly Father has said that no good gift will He withhold from you - walk upright and diligently serve him
I want a companion also. I want someone that will be the Priest in my home and be my "Adam" as I am his "Eve". Someone that was made for me and I was made for him; where we compliment each other in every way. Someone who will know how to pray when the Devil tries to break us apart or destroy our marraige. Someone who will raise his voice before Abba Father, and be so sensitive to the spirit of God that as he speaks I will listen as Sarah did Abraham.
Hold on my sister. It wont be long. Speak to your body - it is ruled by the spirit. Tell the flesh to lie down. Feed the spirit.
Until the next time - be of good courage and great cheer. They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength!
I laughed yesterday because I was amazed at how things are.
I tell u this battle to remain holy and blameless before God is at times difficult.
This morning as I again came before God. I was at a loss for words...i know that is hard to believe.
The morning preceeding I was shouting and chanting down Babylon. I felt close to God and unashamed in his sight. Today I wanted to run and hide away from His presence. He is holy and as such he expects us to be holy. I felt tainted and blemished before Him.
It took all that I remembered and the Holy Spirit that kept telling me the Blood.
God sees me through the blood.
I felt that I could not pray because sin was in my life. I heard one voice saying the prayer of a righteous man avails much but you are not righteous. I was ready to believe and close my mouth forever. I thought this is awful - I have so many people that I have been praying for (you have been among those people) and now look at what I had done. But thank God, he told me that it through Jesus' blood that He sees me before Him as righteous.
Last night before sleeping, my son said "I am clean in Jesus name". This morning I remembered it and I smiled to myself. I echoed those words, I am clean in Jesus' name. He needed a shower and did not want to do it. I needed to be cleansed and I did not know how to do it.
I am clean in Jesus name I said again.
Yes I messed up. I tried to do good, and instead did wrong....but I am clean in Jesus name.
Why do I tell you this?
Because at some point we make mistakes. We have the best of intentions. We are looking upward, moving closer, gaining higher heights, deeper depths and then CRASH!
But the thing is - get up! Get Up!
I read Thesalonians, Timothy and Revelation in search of something to appease my aching soul this morning. ALl that I saw at first had me in tortured thoughts. Live holy. Live blameless. But then I saw it - Christ will do it for us. He will help us. The battle is not for our strength. It is only in Him and through Him that we will be blameless and holy.
It is coming together for me as I write these lines to you. It is Christ. We are but dust says James. We are but dust.
As you continue on your path to do for God....allow Him to be your strength. And for when your best becomes your worst - be not discouraged and forlorn. He is still your advocate and kinsman redeemer!
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
T hewisdom and knowledge of God is unsearchable. His thoughts and ways are not ours. I was told to give my favorite bible to my aunt. I thought about it to make sure that is what I heard. I would have bought a new bible. One where the cover was all new and the pages not marked and highligted and worn out from my fingers.
Yet, that was the order of the day.
So while it makes no sense to me and I cannot even imagine His plans for her having it, I did as was told - gift bag and all.
God works in ways we dont often times understand, at least I dont.
Today in my car after praying the same prayer - God send me I will go like Isaiah, and please give me the desires of my heart this is what I heard.
Do you believe the word of God? That which is written and spoken to be the truth? DO you believe that as the water which will not return to the Heavens, but will water the earth as it was intended is just as God's word - doing that which it was sent to do? Do you believe the promises that have been given to you from God to be true? Do you believe ...?
I struggle with unbelief, asking but not expecting...wanting but afraid of asking. Questioning every direction, hoping for confirmation. Needing and desperate for God's voice to thunder from the skies that I might believe it to be true.
Yet, you are right - God says clearly be willing to obey and not resist and rebel and then we will eat of the good of the land.
This breaks me, because then I realize that my obstacle is me. I am my own enemy. My faith that waivers, my doubt, my constant need for confirmation, my very unbelief. I am the block that stands in the way of the very good gift that God has prepared for me. I am the one that sits waiting to be used but afraid of the tasks and directions I hear in my spirit.
I am the one that needs to believe - God's words will not change nor be adjusted.
The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much (James ), was the word we received one night in prayer.For me, it is always great when God shows up to talk.Often times we talk, talk and talk some more without giving God a chance to say anything.But He speaks if He will allow Him that opportunity.So He said “The effective prayer of a righteous man avails much”. Followed by I hear you!Hmmmm – word!
My prayer partner and I were delighted – He hears us?!Us, little ole us down here – He hears us!I took great joy in noting that when we pray God attends to us. We call His name and He shows up.He is ready to listen, ready to talk, ready to comfort, ready to support, ready to love.
We had been interceding for some time for our friends and families and our enemies (or those who come up against us), and it was nice to know that God said I hear you.He also was telling us that we should not be discouraged because we cannot literally see the works of His hands in response to our prayers, but encouraging us to press on in praying.Keep praying He said.The bible speaks of praying at all times.Yet, I have heard more than once this quote, “God is not deaf – you don’t need to keep repeating your prayer about the same thing.”But yet still, the word says fervent prayer avails much.
What is praying fervently?Is it not like Hannah, who prayed and prayed and prayed out of desperation to have a child.Is it that she did not believe – NO.She was simply practicing fervency. She prayed with passion as it meant something to her.I read a quote that says, prayer has to mean something to us, so that it can mean something to God.Vain, rehearsed and pretentious prayers have no effect.They lack zeal and passion.God is moved by our faith, believing without doubt.He is not impressed with our ability to memorize a prayer that has no meaning to us.
So, is repeating your request doubting God?No, it is being ardent.Our need makes us desperate, sincere, fervent, and consistent.I see it this way; a child will continuously pull at their mom’s skirt to get attention, we continuously pull at God’s shirt tail with our prayers until we receive our answers.
Now the word says that effective, fervent prayer of a RIGHTEOUS man avails much. SO what is being righteous?When I heard I thought, God, are you calling me righteous?Me?It was easy to think that my mind was again playing tricks owing to the lateness of the hour.Perhaps, I should have stayed away from that rice at 11pm. Or maybe I thought it was a message for my partner – maybe she was righteous.But what makes a man righteous?Is it never falling down?Is it being perfect?What is it?The word comes to the rescue again. The Beatitutdes from Matthew 5:1-12.David Chadwell breaks it down as follows:
1.The righteous person is poor in spirit, or, he or she recognizes his or her spiritual poverty and owns that spiritual poverty.
2.The righteous person mourns, or, because he or she sees and owns his or her spiritual poverty, he or she is grieved because that poverty exists.
3.The righteous person is meek, or gentle, or under control.
4.The righteous person is famished for righteousness--he or she has a consuming appetite for righteousness, that is what he or she wants and wants to become.
5.The righteous person is merciful--the person who abuses them, or offends them, or hurts them, or treats them unjustly will receive mercy, not justice; and the righteous person will extend mercy to those who have failed.
6.The righteous person is devoted to developing and having a pure heart; he or she does not merely want to look pure in deeds; he or she wants to be pure within.
7.The righteous person is a peacemaker; he or she is the kind of person who can help those who are alienated find reconciliation.
8.The righteous person is willing to endure suffering and mistreatment for Jesus' sake
We could also look to Psalm 112 where it states Praise ye the LORD. “Blessed is the man that feareth the LORD, that delighteth greatly in his commandments. His seed shall be mighty upon earth: the generation of the upright shall be blessed. Wealth and riches shall be in his house: and his righteousness endureth for ever.”
So in essence our righteousness is humbling ourselves before our God. Recognizing our spiritual poverty and seeking God’s strength and cleansing powers.It is in fearing God, or respecting Him greatly. It is admitting to Him our weaknesses, and confessing our sins before Him.It is clinging to Him with our every thing. It is delighting ourselves in His statutes and purposefully obeying His word.
So yes, I am righteous, was my conclusion. He was talking to me too.
The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.I take that as a promise guaranteed to give me success. What ever affects me, will be affected by prayer.
What are you afraid of? Have you ever thought that the same thing that drives is exactly what terrifies you? While driving into work I listened to Charles Stanley. He talked about dealing with fear - and using meditation of the word as a tool. In conjunction with Praise it is sure to alleviate your fears.
But the question that I asked of myself and now you is what are ou afraid of? It is not of God, yet we all have fears. David feared and he confessed them before God. Paul feared and he was honest of this weakness and also told others of it. Being honest with yourself and God about your fears is the first step. We may deceive ourselves into thinking that we Fear nothing, but that is a lie.
Expose your fears to the one who can get rid of them.
I was surprized at the list I came up with, and I believe the Holy Spirit revealed them as I was ready to get rid of them. Fear of poverty, failure, exposure of past sins, singleness, etc. Those are a few of mine.
