Forgive my unbelief

T he   wisdom and knowledge of  God is unsearchable. His thoughts and ways are not ours.  I was told to give my favorite bible to my aunt.  I thought about it to make sure that is what I heard.  I would have bought a new bible. One where the cover was all new and the pages not marked and highligted and worn out from my fingers.

 

Yet, that was the order of the day.

 

So while it makes no sense to me and I cannot even imagine His plans for her having it, I did as was told - gift bag and all.

 

God works in ways we dont often times understand, at least I dont.

 

Today in my car after praying the same prayer - God send me I will go like Isaiah, and please give me the desires of my heart this is what I heard.

 

Do you believe the word of God? That which is written and spoken to be the truth? DO you believe that as the water which will not return to the Heavens, but will water the earth as it was intended is just as God's word - doing that which it was sent to do?  Do you believe the promises that have been given to you from God to be true? Do you believe ...?

 

I struggle with unbelief, asking but not expecting...wanting but afraid of asking.  Questioning every direction, hoping for confirmation. Needing and desperate for God's voice to thunder from the skies that I might believe it to be true.

 

Yet, you are right - God says clearly be willing to obey and not resist and rebel and then we will eat of the good of the land.

 

This breaks me, because then I realize that my obstacle is me. I am my own enemy. My faith that waivers, my doubt, my constant need for confirmation, my very unbelief.  I am the block that stands in the way of the very good gift that God has prepared for me.  I am the one that sits waiting to be used but afraid of the tasks and directions I hear in my spirit.

 

I am the one that needs to believe - God's words will not change nor be adjusted.

 

Oh Lord, forgive my unbelief.