Magdalena

I am not sure when I wrote this piece, i had not dated it. I found it on my computer today and I marvel at the contents.
Here I write as Magdalena, so undeserving of grace, but needing it ever so much. I can tell you that this was me at one point in my life. For which of us have not sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. But I am happy to report that I have been washed clean. God did not give me what I deserved, instead he gave me mercy before justice, a grace I have never known before. He certainly is able to do the same for you. Wont you trust him to make you whole?

Dear God,

It was not like the other times.  From the moment he walked through the door, my teeth chattered together.  My body began an unusual trembling, as such I have never seen before.  I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to stop the movement with every strength I possessed.  Yet, inside the trembling etched at my brain, making me more conscious of his nearness.

We sat for a while, as he drank the juice I offered.  It’s sweetness swimming to the back of his throat, and I could hear the swallow of every sip.  Maybe he was nervous too.  He rose to leave, and I rose with him.  I was still shaking and could hardly speak without the tremors echoing through my voice.  I have seen him before, but there was never a possibility.  This was on my own turf and yet I was not in control. 

As usual he made some comment.  I fell into the act.  Leaning over to inhale his essence was the beginning of my end.  I was so foolish.  I should have known that this would not end as our tango had done before.  He was determined to have me and I was too weak to resist.

We fell in step with each other; dancing the dance of the flesh.  And as promised for the moment the pleasure was sweet.  It seemed like heaven, but the illusion was fading too fast.

As we ended and lay spent; he was more tender than ever.  His lips were trailing tiny kisses, all over my face.  Kissing my hands and squeezing me in his embrace.  In my mind I felt deluded – He really loves me.  Yet the appearance of clothes brought to surface the reality.

I felt like a Harlot.  I felt the weight of the shame. I felt the sting of death.  I felt sorrowful and remorseful.  These feelings drowned out the moments of passion.  I was unable to pretend, as he stood clothed before me.

I opened my mouth to say something smart. Yet instead my heart screamed the essence of my feelings.  I was mortified wanting to keep my thoughts private.  Yet my lips could hardly contain, what my heart needed to say. He sat tossing my words through his mind, like salad in a bowl.  I could feel his disappointment…another tango gone awry.  He said he was sorry for all the things he did to me.  I sat there trying to comfort him, pretending to be strong. 

Yet when he held my hands and kissed them, pulling me into his embrace.  My emotions once again surfaced…I was dying and so alone.

He told me a joke before he left, wanting to make right what was wrong.  He asked if I was okay, so his conscience could be appeased.  I was not trying to be the martyr, but there was nothing he could do for me.  So I let him off easy and I told him I was okay. 

I tried to cleanse myself, feeling dirty and miserable.  I washed from my hair to my feet, but came out just the same.  I tried to talk to God, but no words could come out. I was too ashamed to face him.

In the night I could not sleep.  I tossed in the pre dawn hours.  I was thinking of all my sins.  I was thinking how dead I was.  I felt how much I cheated myself, for something that ended before I was even aware.  How alone I felt, when I should have been embracing the one that I loved.  How hypocritical was my life compared to my words of promise and hope to others. Trust God, and live holy, yet look what I had done.

Where do I go from here?  That is my question to myself.  I am so desperate for an answer yet thinking I don’t deserve one. I feel so horrible, ashamed and dejected.  Where did my strength go, when I needed to flee from this temptation?  I feel like I am a lost cause. What is the purpose of being forgiven only to repeat the sin previously repented? 

Do I even deserve it is my question?  Has God really chosen me this foul Magdalena to be in His service? Oh the hurt he must have felt to see me in that dance of death.  How the Demons must have rejoiced, knowing that I was closer to Hell than ever before.  Oh God, I am so sorry.  DO you see what I have done? I have ruined my testimony. I have sat among the swines.  I have done what you told me not to; I have taken focus from your face.  I have fallen from your grace.

God I don’t know how to recover, you said I would not be able to.  I really feel like I am done…it’s over.  I can’t seem to get it right. How is it that people walk all their lives with you and never do what I have done?  God I honestly don’t know what to do.  I honestly don’t know what to do.

Magdalena.