God help me...I don't know what I am doing

Hi. My name is Engada and I don’t know what I am doing. 

I don’t know what to do about my increasing debt, my maxed out credit cards, my one third of a mortgage and my bank account that has been in the red for years.  I don’t know what to do about my church membership (or lack thereof), belonging nowhere and having no-one as my “head” ;  reporting my whereabouts to no-one, and having no-one looking for me to be anywhere. 

I do know that something is not right, and it becomes even clearer as the words are spelt out before me – black and white, no grey shadows here.

Today I am on vacation and I had not planned on it being a day of introspection.  I was reading a novel and something in it caught me, and forced me from the fiction of the character to the reality of my own life.  In the McDonald’s Café I began to wonder “what am I doing?”  My life is a mess and I know it fully well.  Where is the girl that would have been voted most likely to succeed?  How did I get here?  Where exactly is this place that I have found myself? 

I feel like my life is on pause and for some reason I can’t find play or stop.  Either one would do because it would be better than my current “stuck” position.  God.  Where. Are. You.

I am sorry for being melodramatic, but I know that someone else feels just as I do.  I know that you are also looking at your life and wondering what happened?  I am not alone, and neither are you.

As I sat there this morning, I prayed that God would just wrap me up in his arms and hold me close. I wanted to feel him next to me and have Him be like a Dad.  I wanted to just sit on his lap and bury my head beneath his chin.  I wanted him to say to me “There there, everything will be okay.”   

I wanted to feel like I was standing on solid ground, because right about now, I feel like the ground has been removed from beneath my feet.  Do you know what I mean?  Do you understand?

I feel a little like Rahab. She was a mess but she knew enough to know who could save her.  She knew the power of the God of Israel.  She knew that he was God of the heavens and of the earth. She knew that her own people were faint hearted at what they knew he could do.  She knew that she needed to be on His side. She knew that her safety was dependent on having that God, the true God, on her side.  She faced impending death and destruction – I would say that her situation was a lot more direr than my own.  Death was an outcome guaranteed without the help of the God of Israel.  She trusted that she would be spared and was bold enough to ask - or perhaps just desperate enough to take any risks.  So upon the word of the two spies, and her obedience to their agreement, she set about waiting for the walls to fall all around her.  She waited under the covenant of men who served a Mighty God, who could do the impossible.  She knew only this, God was able to save her and her entire family.   

I am breathing again.  A sigh has escaped me because I know something too; God can save me too.  He is still the God of heaven and earth.  He loves me, and with every fiber in my being, I love him back. 

He loves you too, and let me tell you this today, you will make it.  Somehow, someway, you will make it, by His strength and not your own – God will show you, and I, the way.  He will tell us what to do.