Something happened to me and I have thought to share simply because I feel God moving me to do it so I know for sure you will be helped by my experience.
I dropped a co-worker to his part time job yesterday and this is what occurred.
We met after work, and immediately started talking. He was someone I trusted to be with alone, and I felt no apprehension or any discomfort in his presence. He had presented himself as a man in touch with God and I was even more happy to be blessing him in this way. For we ought to love one another and to do good without grumbling according to the word of God (1 Peter)
So here we are when of course a Timmy's, (the adults McDonald) called us into it's warmth and fed us with hot chocolate and blue berry muffins. So far so good.
As we sat there he spoke about his wife and his sisters. He told me that they too were single moms. Then he asked if I felt sad that I was single. It occurred to me that I must be saying more in silence than I am communitcating with words. I told him I was happy and that I was content with who I am and my current status. So again, he says "naaa amiga dont talk like that about yourself!" This clearly called for an eloquent expression my brother says, "Blah?" So again I said, I am happy.
We proceeded to leave and still so far so good.
Now during our conversation we talked about weight gain and the difference between men and women. I mentioned that I am still carrying around the baby fat from my 13y/o son, and hence why no muffin for me - just a HC.
So when we stopped I expected him to say Good bye and I would be on my merry way.
Instead he turned around and started to touch me in a way that had me so uncomfortable. My leg, my stomach, pulling back my jacket and while he was doing this I am sitting there in a vaccum of discomfort. My friend and trusted amigo was becoming someone else. He kept saying amiga dont be mad at me and I kept saying I am not but it's time for you to leave. Youre late for work.
Eventually he left and I felt so dumbfounded. I called my friend to get a guys perspective but he was hanging out with his family and not available to hear me.
I wanted someone to explain to me why suddenly I felt like I did something wrong. Why did I feel so dirty? Why was I so uneasy...I wanted to crawl out of my head and rest...I was so weary.
Then as the eveneing turned to night, I was angry. I felt that it was unfair that he made me feel this way. I felt that he and so many others took advantage of me. Why do these things always happen to me.
I felt that my reputation was on the line and I imagined the lunch room conversation the next day and became even more enraged and pitiful. Woe is me.
I went to bed thinking about it. I woke up thinking about it. In my insides I wept. I felt so victimized. I was hurt. I trusted him and he betrayed me. I talked to God in the shower. I wanted a wipe out.
I remembered that God promised me that vengeance is His.
I came out and still my mind was troubled.
This is so you know where I was and my thought process....woe is me. I am the victim. Obviously this is the 3rd guy at work - I must be doing something wrong. I must be saying alot in silence and my oblivious ignorance is no longer a defence nor a haven.
So I continued to be tortured in my mind. When a small voice which I know to be the Holy Spirit said to me Joyce Meyers.
Obedience was easy as I was already standing before the tv and as it powered on I heard her before I saw her "some of you are always thinking "this is not fair! Why does this happen to me" When did she get in my head?
But God listens to us, He hears our every thought - He sees even our very heart. She spoke about renewing our minds and changing the way we think. We dont have to continue to feel like life is unfair. The battle is in our minds and we have to renew our minds by meditating daily on the word of God. People hurt us but we dont have to live a life where we are mad at people. We dont have to stay in the mess we can get out of it.
I sat there for the next 30 mins soaking in everything. And this time I wept outside and inside.
I was feeling so sorry for myself. I felt so hurt that I did not even want to be pacified but I wanted to be sympathized with...and have someone agree with me - you were wronged Engada.
I was wronged. It's not my fault what happened. I didnt do anything to deserve that. I was in fact helping out a "friend". But I am not staying in this pity me state of mind. I am moving on. God is my avenger and He will do what is just. I am not a victim I am a conqueror. The word of God has said that God's people will not be put to shame, so I am not worried about the lunch room conversations. My name will only be called with good and not bad. God is my protector. I am connected to Jesus and His life is in Me.
I am not a victim.
These are the words that I have been saying over and over to myself all morning. These are the words that are transforming my mind. These are the words that piercing like a double edged sword through the fog of misery and oppresive thouughts that were beginning their torturous onslaught on me.
Ladies, I felt badly and it grew and grew like a bad sore.
But thanks be to God who always comes through.
I spoke to Him, complained, and urged Him to see what had happened. But He showed me a different picture of what was happening...renew your minds daily ladies. DOnt stay where you are because something bad happened to you. Get up and get out. Dont try to get mad and stay mad. Get glad.
Whatever zaps you of your joy and strength is not of God. Whatever confuses you (ususally reasoning something out does that) is not of God. He is not the author of confusion.
Dont be a victim, no matter what happened. People or things may be able to touch our physical bodies, but it ought not to touch our mental being. We are more than conquerors says the Lord.
Dont be a victim...be an overcomer.
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